Just a Few Things

I had the chance to go outside and prune everything that died back during the last hard frost today. I don't quite know how to communicate this without sounding sappy (ha), but the sight of the baby sage and oregano leaves underneath the old dead growth was better than any antidepressant. I can say this with extra credibility, since I've been off my meds for almost a week (forgot to order a refill), and have been dealing with the cold-turkey-Paxil head zings and general bottom-drop-out feelings here and there. So. I got my hands dirty. My house is a falling-apart disaster next to a slumbag apartment complex, but boy did I feel good today!

On that last note, you wouldn't believe the one-two punch of having twin infants and a fixer-upper house (oh wait, I forgot the evil crotch shot of being perpetually broke--see above). You just wouldn't believe. it. I have some new gray hairs at my temples because of the sleeplessness, early rising, relentless child-minding, fast-food pounding, everywhere you look needs help-ness, oh-yeah-surprise-bill/tax/late fee, moving five times in five years stupidity...I could add to this list ad infinitum, but I think you get the idea. HOWEVER, just when we thought we were going to start having affairs at work because of having no private time at home, the girls...are becoming little girls. (One of my colleagues who has a 20-month-old is getting ready to have another child, and all I could think of was to cry for him and make a mental note to call the infertility clinic and have them torture our remaining frozen embryos before they incinerate them. It's so over for us!)

The girls can almost play in the driveway while we rake or pull weeds. They can almost run long distances without falling over their feet. I ask, "Do you want some milk?" and they nod or shake their heads. One of them (Sophie) will sit still and color at a restaurant while we eat (Lucy, not so much). Yesterday, on the bed, I asked Lucy, "Can you take Mommy's shoes off and put them on the floor?" and she did it! Now, Jeff is working on getting them to fetch him a beer.

So I'm getting a distinct lightening up feeling. Just in time for spring.

I was talking to my mom the other day about how tenure (currently two years off) will really signal a major shift in my life. Not just because of the job security, but also because I'll get a 7.2% raise, and the girls will be four...definitely big enough to fetch the beer. I can ratchet back the relentless overcommitment my coworkers have come to expect from me. Etc. There will be a piano. A little boat. Poetry.

And my mom asked, "Why don't you go up a year early?"

Like next fall.

I had just been telling her about my stellar evals, and how maybe I'd gotten them because in the classroom, I try not to be either insane or mean (unlike some of my colleagues)...and I had probably been bitching about my idiotic decision to be secretary for both our union and academic senate this year...and gee, if I just had two more publications, I'd probably go up early...

OMG DUH!

In spite of everything I wrote above about being stretched unimaginably thin, the idea that I could be through with the prep work for tenure by this time next year--you have to submit your dossier by the end of November--gave me a real charge. Why the heck not? I would just have to get one or two more pubs by next November, and I have a good draft of one essay already done....

You see, even if they denied me, I would still be able to go up again a year later...and the dossier work (it's a huge pain) would already be done. Either way, I could coast after next fall.

I am sharing my little secret with you. I'm going to go for it.

Jeff has his own goal: he needs to pass an exam so he can be a Licensed Clinical Social Worker instead of just a plain old one. He will get a raise, too, when he passes his exam.

In June, after the surgery to take out the other half of my thyroid, I have to swallow a pill full of radioactive iodine. Thyroid cells LOVE iodine, and thyroid cancer only grows in thyroid cells. So this toxic iodine will go wherever there are thyroid cells in my body, and kill them. (This is one of the reasons why thyroid cancer has such high recovery rates.) Unfortunately, the downside is that for about eight days, I will be a carcinogen. No one can be near me for very long, especially the girls. I won't lose my hair or get sick, but I have to be in near isolation. What a perfect time to work on a paper!

I love secret plans.