Tilting!

As in, leaning towards...or doing something crazy a la Quixote.  We have a new big secret.  Which isn't really new, but it is big, and will be secret for the next six months.  But I'm going to tell you.

We're going to try to move to Santa Cruz by the end of this school year.

I should have built up to it more, I know, and there is a lot you don't know because I haven't blogged much. In the last year, Jeff and I went through the motions of putting on our big-boy pants by deciding to stay in Napa for the long haul...like until the girls finished grade school.  We were just so exhausted by the cancer, the twins, the job situations, that when our house started becoming a home, we thought maybe we should just quit while we were ahead.  Good loan, good house (mostly), good school, (my) good job, happy kids.  Everything great, right?

Except that all the work on our place in SC was going to crap.  Why we moved from Texas in the first place was fading.  Our dreams of waking up in the forest every morning, of welcoming friends into our sanctuary, of peace and many hot baths...was going down the drain!  I guess I didn't realize how much I was mourning...and so was Jeff.  Jeff's job, in the meantime, was getting more and more miserable, with no real alternative in our small town.  He's looking for a good reason to eject.

It's a big job.  Road, well, power, geological surveys, architects, contractors, drains, etc.  Lots of time and $$$.  I didn't think I had it in me.  I think I was letting my fear defeat me.  And driving my kids to school in the beautiful vineyards, with fucking hot air balloons like some 70's cliche in the distance, wasn't helping.  Now, if we were still suffering in Oakland, it would be a different story.  We are in one of the nicest small towns in Northern California, for my money...but it's not Santa Cruz.

Never mind that the mountains are long overdue for a major fire, and that everything we built could fry.  Never mind that I have a somewhat contentious relationship with my dear mother, whom I love, but who often gives me heartburn.  Never mind that the SC mountains seem to be the haven of the libertarian right these days.

Another factor that's been bugging me is that the public school system in Napa, after fifth grade, absolutely sucks balls.  We were looking at private schools, which cost unspeakable amounts of money per year.  Fries my little Scottish heart to think of that.

Meanwhile, the schools in the mountains are awesome, forever.  All the way up to college.  And they're free.

And our house in Napa is done, and we will make some good money on it (I think), which will get us started on the infrastructure.  And interest rates are so low, we can get a decent construction loan.

And we can live at my mom's house (don't tell her--she doesn't know this yet) while we build.  Yeah, that's a little, difficult detail that this 44 year old doesn't like AT ALL.  However, it would be temporary, and the girls would get to hang with grandma a lot (they don't see her too much), and etc.  I can suck it up.

It's going to be very hard, and my commute will be--87 miles each way.  But dammit, I'm tenured, and I've paid my dues, and I teach a lot online if I want to, so there.  Hence the secret.

I'm telling you because you are my dear friends, and part of the reason for this decision is so we can share this beautiful place with you and your family, for the rest of our lives.

I have no regrets about anything I've done in my life.  I'm proud of that fact.  I think, though, that not doing this would create a regret.  This is the last big hard thing I will push for, will suffer for, will put my marriage and my kids through.  I've had time to think, I've gone 180 degrees the other way, and it's come up wanting.  I'm not a Napa country club type, which was where we were heading.  My penchant for polarfleece and doghair was getting in the way.  I want to chop wood and rake, learn how to take apart the engine on the VW, make apple cider, play the piano, save the redwoods, write some tennis commentary and maybe a memoir.  I want my daughters to run through the big stumpy old growth with large dogs, and dig up artifacts.  I would like to become the area historian, and push for a swim and racquet community center on Summit Road.

Anyway, I'm excited and scared.  We're crazy, but we're going to try and go for it!